Life


Things I know about me:

  • I like room temperatures to be about 71 which I know is warm for most people
  • Baking is something I love that is relaxing and gratifying
  • I’m a morning person
  • I love beer, wine, and coffee
  • Biking makes me feel free
  • I’m a mess
  • I’m so not above bathroom humor
  • Time and laughter can cure all
  • Family is important; more than most other things

 

If I had a soundtrack to life this is the beginning of who would be on it in no particular order:

  • Hootie and the Blowfish
  • Alabama
  • Black Water – Doobie Brothers
  • Reckless Kelly
  • Fishin’ in the Dark – Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
  • Oakridge Boys
  • Goo Goo Dolls
  • Matchbox 20
  • Savage Garden
  • Lady Gaga
  • Rihanna
  • Journey
  • Tootsie Roll – 69 Boys
  • Credence Clearwater Revival

 

If I could have any job in the whole world it would be to travel around tasting, critiquing and describing different foods across the world and learning how to make them all. I would try all kinds and look for things that were unexpectedly delicious.

and I would have a side bakery/cafe/bar on my own as well.

and write my own cookbook; that one I’m actually going to do though.

 

  • Toasted Marshmallow is the best flavor of jelly bean in the whole world.
  • I like vanilla over chocolate
  • berry and citrus do not belong in my chocolate. period.
  • my drunken late night craving is always oatmeal or cereal

 

That’s all for now.

G’night.

i feel blue.

: (

I know I have wonderful things in my life and wonderful people and just an incredible family who loves and cares for me so much. My job is really great, I enjoy what I do and the people I work with. I know I really have no reason to feel this way but all I want to do is wallow.

I want it to rain.

I want to be moapy.

I want to wear my sweat pants all the time and hide inside never regretting or feeling guilty for wasting my adventurous 20’s or another sunny day doing nothing.

I feel blue.

My little heart got broke. and I want it to be full again. I’m afraid that everything else will just be… unsatisfying. like it has been.

The sad part is really I’m only disappointed in myself. I’m kind of bored with me. Is that possible? to be bored with yourself? I mean you’d think that it would be possible but certainly easily fixable, right? I just don’t know.

I don’t know what I like. I need more hobbies maybe? Things I enjoy? What are they. I feel like I’ve spent my life up until now focusing on school. church. then more school. then food. and now… now I have a degree and a job and I don’t go to church.

This is not the time to write this because summer is coming and it’s probably full of opportunities for fun and excitement. Things I should be excited about. but I’m not. I miss him.

What is this validation I seem to need from others to confirm that my life is actually enjoyable and worth living? how come my own pleasure is not enough?

Validation.

huh.

I wish I wasn’t me for a little while.

I wish somebody needed me.

So it’s been a while. Technically it is Valentine’s Day but it really just has been like any other day so that’s how I’m going to treat it.

Some thoughts though:

I think Greek Life in college is a very good thing. It teaches you social skills on an entirely new level that are stuffed with flexibility, fun, deep friendship, and a variety of incredible and diverse social experiences. I wish I had rushed although I’m not sure I could survive life with seventy women or that of fraternity men either. I like all the social aspects and comradery of it though. Having said that I think it leaves it’s participants lacking in one major life lesson: they don’t know what it’s like to be alone. Now I don’t know that I’ve necessarily learned how to do this, but I do know what it feels like. I was alone for a lot of college I feel just because I didn’t establish that many deep friendships while I was there and the ones I had before then grew weak from the distance. I learned what loneliness feels like and tasted depression. I wish I hadn’t experienced this but it’s pushed me to change how I approach relationships now; I have a genuine fear of being by myself and do what I can to avoid it. I think people who’ve been through the Greek system don’t know this fear because they’ve constantly been surrounded by people and only cherish the few moments they get to themselves; I however avoid them like the plague.

I enjoy doing certain things on my own: running, baking, reading. But I want to know that eventually someone is coming back to check on me and maybe even wants to know how I am. Maybe I’m not afraid of being alone, I’m just afraid of no one caring.

What I love:
to bake
to watch men eat
feeling like i’m flying when i run
HOT showers
dancing
country music
my mom
laughing
beer
coffee
mornings

not necessarily in that order.

Things I want to make:

http://naturallyella.com/2010/07/19/homemade-vanilla-extract/
http://www.sprinklebakes.com/2011/02/heritage-red-velvet-cake.html#more
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/bobby-flay/peanut-butter-caramel-swirled-brownies-recipe/index.html
Molten Chocolate Lava Cakes
Cinnamon Swirl Bread (maybe)

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/05/strawberry-shortcakecake/

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2008/12/friday-night-dinner-pasta-alla-vodka/

Questions:
Is it ridiculous to
1) order brownies online from Vermont?
2) expect them to be fresh when they get to me in Alaska?

Our Weekend Hiking Crew

The last few weeks have brought many events into my life all pointing me in very different directions. I spent last weekend in Seattle visiting family and experiencing a little of Downtown’s nightlife; I’m not sure if I’m totally cut out for that one. I also managed to get out a hike with a group of people from my uncle’s condo and spend a good amount of time with my grandma. Each different outing seemed to bring new enlightenment with it:

1. Seeing my grandma makes me want to spend more time with her. She’s just adorable and getting older fast. She’s awful lonely as well in a way that is difficult to remedy. I remember being lonely like that in Moscow my last semester and what I needed was a constant companion; that happened to be Tally in Hawaii. Thank you Tally, you and the sunshine healed my soul. My grandma isn’t exactly ready for tropical islands and sexy men on motorcycles but I could definitely be there for her. She’s thinking of moving to Arizona to be in warmer more comfortable weather but there’s still the possibility that if I was around she wouldn’t have to move as soon; maybe then I could ride her around on a motorcycle.

2. My degree is pretty useless in Juneau for what I want to do. Here is where I want to be, however, I’m not qualified to make enough money to exist doing what I’m doing now. My options are as follows: 1) stay with the brewery folding t-shirts in hopes for a spot in the lab to open up where I’m still not gaining any credibility as a microbiologist but really enjoying my family of coworkers and investing in some job history at a business where I respect and enjoy who I’m working for in an incredible level 2) hope that NOAA will give me some contract work which will at least be education, a good resume builder, and probably a bit of fun while I figure out what my next best step is 3) try for Analytica (water sampling is not sounding appealing at all however) 5) hope for SEARHC to be desperate enough to hire me without certification 4) Go back to school to get MT/MLT certified.

With all of those options though, no one has yet offered me a job. A lot if happening but nothing’s going on.

UW is expensive but I could probably do the lab certification program while living with family and taking care of Grandma.

3) I do not want to be a brewer. I shadowed on the brew deck and I know I’m capable of much more.

4) My parents are quite possibly very very ready for me to be out of their house; I’m getting there. The comfort of living at home, a full fridge and no rent is pretty fan-freakin-tastic and I’m reluctant to give it up but they’re still ready for me to go. My mom said so.

5) And my final realization is that if I don’t make a move for something soon I will be wasting my degree and the glorious time of my 20’s. I can’t stay here forever being indecisive and overwhelmed with possibilities; I need to choose a plan of action and go with it so I have that experience. It might be moving to Seattle, it might be moving out and staying in Juneau, or it might be something incredible happens next week and I’m offered a job somewhere with a decent paycheck and some benefits. I’m not excited about the thought of leaving Juneau again so soon… I feel flaky doing it. I’m also not excited to spend all of my money again on school and then restart my career search (job searching sucks, did anyone tell you that?) which is a heavy thought.

So that wasn’t all that much but I stand by my statement still: a lot is happening and nothing’s going on.

There you have it.

Maybe I’ll make some cookies.

a little honey bee

Big Beach Sunset

With changes in homes, jobs, weather, friends, moods and cravings, the internet seems to be the most stable place to record the journey of my life so welcome. I hope everyone out there who finds my story finds laughter, insight, and inspiration from my posts; if non of those, hopefully a worthwhile recipe will turn up once in a while too. So with that, I wish you luck as readers and I wish me luck in sticking with this. Enjoy.